25 February 2018

Coming Out and After

This post is deeply personal, both terrifying and cathartic to write. Another non-booky post.

Although is it cheating if it's inspired by a book? I read Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda then saw Love, Simon and it inspired me to share my own coming out story. Or, how my coming-out was all at once not my choice and not a big deal. Or, a total non-story as it happens. It was what came after that was hard.

I'll throw you another few tidbits about my journey to discovering my sexuality and how I identify to keep you going because if you're anything like me you're nosy AF.

Girls and Boys

I'm not sure when I first realised that I was Not Straight, but I know it was sometime in high school. Maybe when I was in year nine? I know I was kissing girls by the end of that year so that sounds about right.

What I do remember is that I was never confused. I knew I liked boys and girls equally, and I was certain of that. I never thought that I could feel differently, I never thought that how I felt was wrong. I was just me. Thinking back I am so bloody proud of my own convictions.


I Kissed A Girl

OK, so I kissed a lot of girls. Growing up I gave my kisses freely, to pretty much anyone. I think I was a little bit addicted to a good snog. This included my friends. We were a little bit of a toxic, almost incestuous group, who were always kissing each other and going out with each other and splitting each other up.

But it was fun and it was how I explored myself.


I Got A Girlfriend

Oh god, my first girl friend. It was so painfully awkward. We lived miles and miles from each other, did that cringey AF thing where you got your friend to ask their friend if they'd go out with you with MSN messenger. I think we saw each other maybe twice while we were going out?

But you know what? She's still a friend now, one of my closest friends at that. And even when we decided to just be friends, we still kissed a lot because that's how my friendship group was.


MUM, CORA HAS A GIRLFRIEND

That's essentially how I "came out" to my family. I didn't. My youngest sister did it for me with a smug smirk when she was eleven, expecting drama. Only there wasn't any drama, because it turns out my family is awesome. Honestly, truly, amazing and supportive and accepting.

Fun Fact - when Civil Partnerships became a thing, my mum was on a Channel 4 because she was Woman of Honour at one of the first ceremonies. She's always been an ally.

And my youngest sister, it turns out, is a lesbian. So yeah.


School Was Fine

Sorry to disappoint you, but school was fine with it.

Heck, I kissed a bloody lot of my classmates, male and female.

There was no "not in our changing room" outcry, no bullying based on my sexuality. I was bullied for a lot of things, and even now I cannot believe how exceptionally accepting my classmates were about my sexuality. Especially considering how bloody nasty they could be about the fact that I was born over the border in Scotland, as though that actually meant anything.


A Transition Kiss

Before I even knew what pansexual was, I think I knew in myself that it wasn't just girls and boys as assigned by birth that I was attracted to. I just didn't know what it meant.

I was eighteen when I briefly went out with someone who was transitioning. The relationship was a bit hellish (it was a total car-crash) we weren't right for each other, but yeah I was attracted. Because of who they were as a person.

It's what made me get on to the internet and search for what I was.

I knew I wasn't straight or gay, and I was pretty sure I wasn't just bisexual.

A couple of Google searches later and I had discovered polysexual and pansexual were THINGS and I had a good long sit down. And I was honest with myself. And I realised that out of all of my partners the thing I never considered was gender. It's not something that even crosses my mind, not something that I care about.

Dyke For A Day

Otherwise known as that time I went to pride with my lesbian friends and they completely excluded how I identify from their narratives of Pride.

I don't think they meant to. I think the fact that I was in a hetero-normative relationship threw them and they didn't know how a straight presenting couple would fit in to Pride. And to be honest, it didn't. I myself was still exploring my sexuality and how to identify it, I had only recently discovered that pansexuality was a thing, and I was realising that it was me.


Soulmates

Part of my identifying as pansexual is the concept of soulmates. I believe (and I know this isn't for everyone) that soulmates are A Thing. Not a "everyone has one soulmate" thing. More a "everyone has people out there who could be their soulmate". So, more than one for everyone, who could make them feel complete.

I am with a soulmate right now, in a hetero-normative relationship. But I will never be straight, that's just not me. I have the capacity to love everyone. I know it sounds cheesy but I honestly don't consider gender as a thing when it comes to who I'm attracted to.

So, my name is Cora. And I'm pansexual.


Love, Cora

5 comments:

  1. You are amazing, Cora! Thank you for sharing your story!💛✨

    Xoxo
    Shirley | https://shirleycuypers.blogspot.be

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  2. I'm not sure what's the appropriate way to respond to this, but you are wonderful and I love you.

    I've always believed in soulmates too, but not necessarily in a romantic sense. Some of my closest friends are my soulmates.

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  3. I believe in soulmates too, I think there are just people we click with. Absolutely. And lovely post! Thanks for sharing your experience. :)

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